AUTHOR’S NOTE:

This is a journal I kept between the age of 15 to a little before 19. It’s completely unchanged, except for a few spelling mistakes and the last names of certain people have been removed to protect privacy and shit.

Please note that this is an uncensored account of my thoughts and feelings as well as my battle with Self Injury. It’s a little disturbing in some parts, but I wanted to keep this as raw as it is on the pages of the notebook it was originally written in.

Quite a few entries are unfinished and my thoughts sort of bounce around from one topic to another, so you may get a little confused and I apologize.

You will also notice that I signed the bottom of most of the entries with several different names. Some of them are just nicknames while the others are my real name with a few extra last names tacked on.

I tried to include some of the random tidbits between entries, but some things just can’t be typed up, like the blood paintings mentioned in a few entries.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little journey into the twisted inner workings of my teenaged mind and do try to remember that everything you read here is REAL. None of this is fiction. It all really happened to me and I put it to paper the way I lived it.

FoREVer yours,

Dayna Ravanelli (Cali B. Diamond)

02/18/04
5:30am

“Letting out the noise inside of me.
Every window pane is shattering.
Cutting up my words before I speak.
This is how it feels to not believe.”

Way Away – Yellowcard

Does it matter how I’m feeling?
No. Of course not, I mean, nobody cares, right?

I’m the only person who cares about me and I probably always will. I love Sam to death, but I get the feeling he’s going out with someone else.

I’d give anything just to be with him right now.

 

2004 – poem

As I sat in that stall
I wrote his name on the bathroom wall.
No one else knew who he was.
No one else but me.
The days went by
And his name stayed there,
Plastered on the tile wall.

 

02/18/04
10:30am

In class, watching some movie about turn of the century China.
Justin and I horsed around a bit and he nearly pinned me against the door to get at my silver sharpie. (smile)
He’s cute, for a guy who shaved his eyebrow. He’s a bit of a sweetie too.

It’s fun to joke around with him, but I could never date him. I mean, he’s more of a friend than boyfriend material, though I don’t think I’d say no to a date with him.

Sammy and Justin have a little in common. They’re both cute and funny and slightly fluffy, so that’s cute.

Sammy. He’s been running through my mind all day. I hope he’s online later so I can tell him to meet me at about 12:00am or so.

I really, REALLY hope to cyber with him. (smile)

More later.

Silverwolf

 

02/19/04
8:15am (?)

I actually slept last night.
Sammy and I got hot and heavy until my mom told me to go to bed or she’d take the internet cord away.

That would seriously suck seeing as I have now found a way to communicate with Sam.

I’m wondering if his phone is working again because he mentioned in his last LJ post that he called Renee to leave a message during the show.
Oh well, it’s not really a big thing.
(sigh)

I’ve decided to save every conversation I have with him so I can look back and smile.
I’m going to ask him about the little ‘smile’ thing he said last night. I’ve heard some strange names used for the vagina (pussy, cunt, twat, vaginal opening etc.) but this one tops them all.

Where is my bus?

I think I’ll chill with Shay, Kay, Mikay-chan and Britteny if they’re there. Fuck English, you know?

Oh, whatever.

CDC Forever, homies!
No bounce, no play.

Silverwolf

 

02/19/04
8:20pm

I’ve been so compelled to write the date wrong today and I don’t know why.
(shrug)

Chilled with Otterlot after school today. ^_^

Was mucho fun until his mom showed up.
She seemed to be one of those SBD moms who wait till their offspring’s friends are gone to bitch and complain about how stupid their own child is.
(rolls eyes)

Whatever, y’know?

I’m also feeling a little nervous about my D.A. tomorrow.

I don’t want Dr. Lynch to see my new cuts and DEFINITELY don’t want Linda to see them. She’d blab to my mom about it.

Maybe I’ll ask Sam (if he’s on) about how to cover ‘em and stuff or I could always make ‘em less visible with that cover up I have.

I’ll figure something out eventually.

I’m going to go to my cousin Sarita’s B. Shower on the 28^th, so that sounds like fun.

 

02/20/04
11:40am

Sorry, I got distracted.
Anyway, I’m going to the doctor’s office today so I need to ask Dr. Lynch about

 

02/24/04
9:35am (?)

Ok, so I haven’t finished that entry, but who gives a fuck, right?
I’m worried about Sammy. He hasn’t been online for three days… I hope he’s alright.

Maybe he just went camping again, but who knows. If he forgot I can brush it off as an Aquarius thing.

I’m so pissed. My mom took the only umbrella and I’m STILL soaked!

Well, what can you do, right?

Justin makes me wonder sometimes. I can see him watching me now as I’m writing.
Probably because my boobs are in full view, but whatever.

God, what I wouldn’t do to have him in my arms…

Cut again last night, burned some too. They upped my dosage on my meds so it should help, though I don’t really want to quit cutting.

I like the scars and designs I create.

Well, I’m out for now.

Dayna Ravanelli – Palmer

 

02/25/04
9:02am

Tired and wet.

I want to go back home and sleep where it’s dry and warm.
Cigarette would be good too. I think I’ll ask Ryan for one, if not, maybe one of the Chris’ can kick one down.

It’s so fucking loud in here, I can’t hear my damn music.

Whatever. Marilyn is finally leaving so that’s good.

More later.

Dayna Ravanelli Palmer

 

03/01/04
8:30pm

Ok… no internet tonight because I didn’t get my paper signed. Too bad too because I wanted to talk to Sam and RP with Chelsea. But since my mother has the cord, that won’t be possible.

Anyway, I slept all day today and had a dream where Sammy turned out to be this ten year old black kid and yadda, yadda, yadda.
I kinda remember ‘going online’ in the dream and searching Sam’s name on Google.
It was very strange.

I think I’ll take my shower in the morning and go to bed soon. I’m still REALLY tired.
I need to remember to take my meds tomorrow and to update my journal in the morning. If I can sneak the cord from my mom’s room and put it back before I leave, that is. If not, it’ll have to wait till tomorrow night.

I think I’ll ask Devon to buy me a pack of smokes tomorrow. I have four fifty, so the money isn’t a problem. I should also steal a lighter from Safeway or summat.

I need to remember to call Aunt Elizabeth tomorrow too. I need to talk to her about the Yellowcard concert in April.

I wanna go so damn bad!

Well, I’m off to do something and then sleep.

Dayna Ravanelli Palmer

 

03/03/04
10:45am

We had a guy come in today named Jason. He talked about his childhood and how he used to be a big time druggie.

He was fucking HOT too!

He was from Dharma Punx and everything he talked about, with the exception that he said S.I. doesn’t help numb the pain, was cool.

OMG, I paid Andrew a whole dollar for a fuckin’ Infinity 100.

(slaps self) That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call an addiction.

Well, as I sit here in W. History, we’re watching ‘The Last Emperor’ and the guy has just slit his wrists and submerged them into some hot water.

SSDD

Dayna Ravanelli

 

03/05/04
8:45am

Figured out how to sharpen my razor but I still need to buy more.
I also need to see if Chris P is here cuz I need my lighter back.

I should have told him to leave it with Jane but oh well.

I should see if Joe or Devon can buy me some smokes.
If not, I’m definitely going shoulder-tapping.
I don’t care about getting caught anymore.

My arms are so damn sore today.
So many cuts, so little room.

Lates.

SSDD

Dayna

 

03/08/04
6:45am (?)

I’m sick and tired of being so damned depressed. I stained my ‘Sam Palmer’ shirt with blood from my arm.
My new razors are so sharp and they work REALLY well.

 

03/10/04
3am (?)

There I go again, not completing a journal entry because I get sidetracked.

My arms hurt a little more than they usually do, but yours would too if you had 20 new cuts and ‘SAM’ written three times on your body.
I’m going to keep my little cloth ‘bandage’ with me so I don’t get blood everywhere when I cut at school.
I think I should snag some band-aids from Longs or something.
I need to spange tomorrow and see if I can get a pack of smokes.

Bedtime now.

Dayna

 

03/10/04
9:00am

My meds are kicking in and I’m getting extremely hyper—

 

03/11/04
9:24am

I’m beginning to think I am the only Emo on campus. I don’t normally label myself, but I have been called several different things.

Über Goth, Super Punk, Emo Kid, yadda, yadda, yadda.

But I’m a plain and simple Emo Kid.

I’m depressed, emotional and I constantly write in this journal. Unfortunately, I don’t LOOK Emo.

Whatever, though.

Whitney asked Justin A out yesterday and I’m hoping he said ‘no’. It would piss me off so much if the two of them went together.

I cut a little too deep last night and freaked out. I kept thinking I was going to have to wake up my mother so we could get me some stitches, but I fixed it myself.

This lady is so annoying. She’s too damn peppy. I would SO never go to Job Corps. Especially after Chelsea’s experience.

Good God, this video is tacky.

Forget this. I’m not convinced. I could not live there. I’d think about it if Chelsea hadn’t had such a bad experience. The Culinary Arts training and Arts training are the only things I’d be interested in.

My mother says it’s like the Army. Sure, you get paid and stuff, but it seems a little sketch to me.

I’m sorry, but who wants to waste their time away from home just to learn how to be a construction worker or chef? I couldn’t do it, no matter how badly I wanted that job.

Same sex dorms sounds a little dumb.

I’d rather bunk with a bunch of smelly Emo guys instead of frilly, preppy girls who don’t care about anything but makeup and boys.

Goddamn, this music is cheesy.

‘Sounds like prison.’ Chris P is right. It does sound like prison, but it also sort of intrigues me.

I shouldn’t go into thinking that it would be good for me. I’ve got a good home, I’m just a little disturbed.

I’ll take one of the packets, but I’m not guaranteeing that I’m going to go.

Dayna

 

03/20/04
8pm (?)

Ok, so Mom knows I’ve been cutting a lot more than usual.

She’s blaming it on the ‘Secret Scars’ book.

 

03/21/04
1:14am

I feel better now that I’ve cut.
My arms hurt a little, but at least I got it out of my system.

FOR NOW.

Dayna

 

03/21/04
5:20pm (?)

I just got done taking a shower and as I look at my arms, I see nothing but beauty.

Disgusting, I know, but hell, I love what I do to my body and if I stop later on in life, I’ll cover it with tattoos or something.

After I got out of the actual shower, I dug into my purse for my Razor Fish and cut Sam’s last name into my stomach.

I didn’t bother to wipe the blood. I’m wearing black so it doesn’t really matter at all.

My mom keeps bothering me with questions about where I get my razors. I ain’t gonna tell her I shoplift them from a freakin’ art store.

I need to get more, just in case, y’know?

Maybe I’ll see if Whitney wants to go downtown after school and I can go to Palace and snag a couple packs of them. Three or four, depending on what pants I wear. I could always slip them in my arm socks.

I’ll figure it out later, I guess.

Man, if my mom ever read this I know for a FACT that she’d put me into one of those white room hospitals. They say that white keeps you sane and the padding can keep you from hurting yourself.

I’d like to get caught chowin’ on some guy’s hand just so I could go into a padded cell and bounce around for hours.

I should think about getting Sammy to come stay with me.

Might wanna lose some weight while I’m at it. Don’t want him flippin’ out because I’m not picture fucking perfect.

I think I’ll go back to Psyke.com and see if my story is up yet.
It was longer than I intended it to be but hey, it will at least be good, right?

Peace.

Silver Dayna Ravanelli Aguilar-Palmer

 

03/21/04
8:05pm

Jen’s boyfriend Sammy is such a dick. He just came over here spoutin’ off his mouth about kickin’ us out and crap.

I hate hate HATE his old ass.

God, make him die!

Dayna Ravanelli-Aguilar-Palmer

 

03/23/04
3am (?)

My arms hurt.
My legs hurt.
My stomach hurts.
My eyes are dry from crying.
And my heart hurts.

I just hurt.

It’s going to be a bitch hiding my arms from Mom.

Justin and Mrs. E I can handle as well as everyone else. (@ school and downtown SC)

Nobody asks questions.

They just kind of stare and probably think ‘oh, that girl has problems. Oh well.’

3 new blood paintings tonight, including a neat looking spatter one.
It was a bitch getting the blood to spatter on the paper and then dry.

I don’t know which one would kill my mom faster: Her reading this journal or seeing my beautiful ‘art’.

I tried both scissors and needles tonight and found that I’m going to stick with razors and knives.

Scissors don’t do shit and needles are too much work. You have to slowly scrape the skin away and that sort of bugs me.

I really did a number on my arm. It’s all red and warm and sore like a whore in heat.

My right arm isn’t as bad, but I DID cut higher than usual.

Both of my upper thighs have new cuts, including one that looks like this:

<|SAM|>

I didn’t intend for the triangles to be there but I couldn’t help it. My right thigh has a little (actually, long) curly line going up the side. Maybe I’ll etch in some leaves and make it into a vine.

Damn, I’m all hungry but can’t get up cuz Mom will be up soon.

Which reminds me that I need sleep.

I burned last night with my knife.

It was erotic, but slightly painful at the same time.

The skin on top of the blister peeled away and now it’s all hard and nasty. I cut around it in a little box and now it looks weird.

It’s kinda funky lookin’, but what can you do?

G’night!

Silver Dayna Alexandra Ravanelli-Aguilar-Palmer

P.S I need to get more razors for my Fish.

 

03/23/04
9:15pm (?)

I hope Sammy is on tonight. God must really love me if he let me go online last night without gettin’ caught.

Man this pen sucks and it’s BLUE too.

I HATE blue pens. They bother me. I can use any color but blue.

Much better.

Anyway, didn’t go to school again but Mom thinks I did and I’m going downtown tomorrow, with or without Whitney.

She’ll probably want to go though cuz I’m gettin’ a pack of smokes (hopefully).

I definitely need to snag razors tomorrow. My Fish is getting low.

My stomach hurts from the cuts and burn marks.

My arms don’t hurt anymore, but my legs are killing me because of the denim rubbing against them.

I cannot go to sleep tomorrow. ABSOLUTELY cannot get the alarm clock. No extra fifteen minutes, no nothing.

I might do a couple more blood paintings tonight, depending on my mood and the clothes I’m wearing tomorrow.

My arms I couldn’t give a shit about, it’s my stomach I can’t show.

DAMN, I wish it was 10:00 already and Mom was asleep so I can use the net late.

Maybe people commented last night.
Maybe Rose will stop hating me, and maybe, I can get Sam to forget Renee.

I have a feeling that he and Renee have that ‘I love you but you’re my best friend and I’m too embarrassed to tell you’ kinda thing going on.

That would seriously suck for me.

I love him. I really, REALLY love him.

I don’t want to share him with Renee or anybody. I want him to be mine.

It’s not that I doubt his feelings for me, because I don’t. I think he loves me.

I hope he loves me…

I don’t think I wanted him to feel bad last night with my last post. I really wanted him to stay though.

I needed him last night. I couldn’t tell Rose what was going on. I can’t trust her like I can trust him. I don’t love her.

I love him.

Dayna Ravanelli

 

03/25/04
3:10am

Bummer that Sammy wasn’t on tonight, but I can’t blame him.

I mean, look at me.

Honestly, what guy in their right mind would want a girl that looks like me?

I’m fat.
I have scars everywhere.
And I haven’t showered in three days. I need to do that in the morning.

This pen is queer.

I’m not used to holding a pen like this one, but whatever.
It was just sittin’ in Jen’s mailbox. What was I supposed to do? Leave it there?

No thanks. I needed a new pen anyway.

Dayna Ravanelli

 

03/26/04
3pm (?)

So, I’m sitting here waiting for Deborah to show. Stole about a hundred dollars worth of stuff today, including razors, lipgloss, an address book, several pens, a few pins and this little vibrator thing from Camouflage.

I’ve only got two cigs left and I need them for tonight.

Damn, Whitney’s friend Karissa is fuckin’ HOT!

I’d fuck her up and down Santa Cruz if I got the chance.

 

03/31/04
4am (?)

Ok, so I haven’t written in a while, but there really isn’t much to say.

I’m still depressed.

Sam is working, so I can’t talk to him anymore (I’m silently wishing he gets fired).

I miss him.
I really do.

Janell is living in Santa Clara now.

Yay.

Dumb bitch…

Whatever.
I’m tired.
I’m going to go to bed.

I hate hate hate Janell L M and I hate her new boyfriend and I hate her… everything.

Peace.

Dayna Ravanelli
Silver
Dayna Alexandra Ravanelli-Aguilar-Palmer

P.S. I think I’ll write to Sam or something. –D

 

03/31/04
9:45am

Just got done cutting in the girls bathroom.
I slipped and fell too. Fuckin’ dirty ass bathroom.
Banged up my knee and elbow and some chick in the bathroom was on a cell and was all ‘Are you ok? –oh, nothing. Someone just fell.’

Fucking skinny bitch.
I hate it here.
School sucks.
(laugh) I am so Emo.

Dude, this fuckin’ tape is retarded. I wanna make Jane turn it off, but the others are having fun listening to it.

Drugs. Sex. Alcohol. Beautiful

Damn, I wish I could check my arms…
Oh well.

Need to get a dollar from Britteny.

Dayna Ravanelli

 

04/05/04
6am (?)

So I got caught stealing from Camouflage and can’t show my face on Pacific for a while.

Big deal.

I can hang out and steal from other places.

Man, I have a headache.
I doubt I’ll be able to go hiking.
Maybe I’ll take a nap or something.

I need to find a way to bring my razors without Mom knowing.

I mean, I could shove a few into the Fish and stash that in my purse and cut in Aunt Diana’s bathroom and in the motel bathroom.

Meh.

It won’t be too hard.

I can’t believe Elizabeth is getting married. Why’d she have to pick Evin, though?
He creeps me out.

Meh.

Peace.

Dayna Ravanelli

 

06/03/04
9pm (?)

Wow, it’s been nearly two months since I last wrote in here.
Not too much has happened.

I’m on birth control, I haven’t cut for a while and I’m in love with Ryan M B.

Yes, it’s sad, but the hot little punk won’t spare me the time of day anyway, so I’m living in a dream world.

I lost this month’s bus pass so I’m screwed right now.

I’m so pissed, too.

School gets out next Thursday and I won’t have a bus pass to go anywhere with Whitney.

My therapy ends tomorrow. Deborah is trying to find a new place so we can still be together.

My hand is cramping and I need to finish looking for my pass.

Dayna

 

06/12/04
9pm

Ok, so I haven’t found my bus pass, but whatever.
Summer started and my mom is having gall bladder surgery next week so Justin and I have to fend for ourselves.
Fun.

I’ve seen the new Harry Potter movie TWICE and I love it.
I wanna beg someone for money so I can see it again.

Anyway, on Thursday, I saw Dan and Rose (ick) and Dan and I looked through a bunch of photos in some boxes and I found a load of interesting ones.

I have one of Mr. C that is really, REALLY cute.

Meh.

I’m off to do… something.

Peaches and Cream!

Dayna Ravanelli

 

06/14/04
2am

I want a dad.

Dayna

 

09/14/04
2:30am

Whoo!
Haven’t picked up this sombitch in a long time.
Probably because I’ve been busy doing OTHER stuff.
I also have a journal that isn’t for self injury junk and that’s partially why I picked this old thing up.

Cut myself for the first time in several months and I thank Goddess for clothes that match my pink and black arm warmers.
Still no change with the dad situation and I have to call Deborah tomorrow and set up an appointment.

Must also email Amanda and tell her I won’t be on till like, Friday.

Yup, back to my same ol’ tricks.

Skippin’ school, cutting…
Hell, I’ve even been DRINKING regularly.

I will pitch in for a spacebag tomorrow and drink my little heart out.

Eh…

Peaches and Cream!

Dayna

 

01/18/05
4pm (?)

Goddamn! I seriously hate that I lost this journal.

We’ve moved out of Scotts Valley and are living in Felton.

I have been kicked out of school and become a skeezy stoner.
Nelly is due any day now and I can’t wait for that.

Also, have new BF/Teacher. Neal F L.

I never wrote in here about m’love, but (sigh) I love him sooo much!

Meh.

More later. Maybe.

D

 

02/13/05
10:40am (?)

Valentine’s Day.
Woo-fuckin-hoo!
I HATE this Godforsaken holiday.

Nelly had her baby on the 27^th of January.
Alyssa weighed 8lbs, 6.5oz and was 19 inches long.

Have just dropped house key into toilet…
Disgusting.
Is probably karma for sheisting a bunch of makeup items from my mother.
Am shady bitch, but do not care as half the makeup belonged to me.

Need money for cigs and a bottle.

I want to get some Captain Mo’s again and drink David F into horny drunken man who will have to satisfy his sexual needs with a certain person.
(winkwink)

Hahahahahahaha.
Am evil little slut, but people love me.
Take Nelly for example.
She’s the only person who can put up with me.
Not even my brother can do that.

Speaking of ‘Justin’s, Justin A told me that his doctor said he may not live to see thirty because his kidneys, liver and stomach are all fucked up.
It sucks!
I don’t want Justin to die. :(

(sigh)

Keep having weird dreams with Joel K and Chester Bennington.

Is very strange to have dreams of people I know.

Take the dream about Andrew B from a couple weeks ago.
I still can’t look that guy in the face.

What’s really weird is the reoccurring dreams of Joel. I mean, I like him and everything, but it sucks knowing he has a girlfriend and isn’t interested in me.

That was odd.
Heard weird chirping noise coming from back door and went to investigate only to find a blue jay pecking on the other side.
Creepy.

Anyway, my hand is starting to cramp, so I’ll stop now.

Peaches n creme.

DayDay

 

02/18/05
10am (?)

Am about to scrape piece for resin induced high which is pin and pathetic.
Will listen to rap music seeing as it sets mood for marijuana smoking/resin hitting.
Am nothing but lazy stoner.
NOT GOOD!

Lower lip is incredibly chapped. Must find Burt’s Bees lip stuff after scraping pin, PIN bowl of resin.
Will resume writing when done, if not too high. I doubt it though.

Phatness does not describe the second resin bowl I scraped out. I finally got the bit that was stuck in a corner by bending the metal pokey/scrapey thing I ganked from the fake tree in the back.
Am higher than had expected and have covered fingers and paper with resin.

Will look back at this journal in like, ten years and laugh at how stupid I was.

Stoner handwriting is interesting to look at. The letters are very big and cursivey.

Right.

Must charge GBA and get lip stuff.

Lip cracked. Is disgusting.

Peaches & creme

DayDay

 

02/20/05
1:39am

Am high, sleepy, hungry and in need of a new sketchbook.
Am going downtown tomorrow, seeing that Mum gave me ten bucks.
Will buy cigs and probably either weed, coffee or cheap book with remaining money.

It’s amazing how much my writing looks so much like Mum’s when I’m high.

Have found new means of getting little pin Freshman kids out of trouble: write excuses about my car being stalled.

Works very well.

Have crush on little Freshman kid named David C.
He is cute, but much too young.

Meh.

Peaches & creme

Dayna

 

02/28/05
1:00am

So numb. My arm is throbbing, but it feels so fucking good.

Neal hates me because I broke his petty rule.

Fuck him.

I really couldn’t care less anymore.

So what if I cried for twenty minutes straight?

I DON’T need him.

I feel so tired now that I’ve gotten enough pain into my system.

I carved ‘ignored’ into my arm and then just went at it freely with my razor. I think I’ll carve ‘C.B.’ later on my upper arm, but for now, I’ll bask in the glow of a sensation more orgasmic than sex.

Mmmmm…

Peaches & creme

Dayna

 

03/01/05
9:40pm (?)

Keenan is pissed at me for taking these pills that this girl Ashlee gave me.
I’ve got to write him a note explaining that I’m sorry and stuff.

Dayna

 

03/02/05
Not quite sure what time it is… ? am

Well, it took a while, but I wrote Keenan a two page note explaining that I was sorry. I almost wrote another one that expressed my feelings toward him, but I’m not ready for him to know about that yet.

I want to make sure he doesn’t hate me before going to that level.

I cannot sleep, which sucks, but I’m getting kinda tired so I should be sleeping soon.

That was just a bunch of bullshit right there.

Those stupid pills are probably still coursing through my system so that’s why I’m kinda fucked up.

Little blonde Amy and Cody M were making out on my couch this afternoon.

It was fucking gross, but they’re kind of cute together because they’re both really short.

Anyway, I fixed up my Myspace blog and stuff.

Meh.

Peaches -n- creme

Dayna A. Aguilar

P.S. March is Self Injury Awareness Month. Woot! An entire month dedicated to my favorite addiction. :)

 

03/02/05
3pm (?)

Keenan and I made up today after I gave him the letter I wrote last night. I think I may ask him out, but he probably wants a cuter girl.

Eh.

I’m so tired now.

Peaches -n- creme

 

03/18/05
5:30pm

I have the biggest urge to just cut myself to ribbons right now.

I downloaded and burned a copy of the song ‘The Walking Dead’ by DJ ZTrip that has Chester all throughout it.

I’m in love with it.

 

03/27/05
4:00pm

I cut earlier today and accidently went a little deeper than planned.

I’ve got to work on my LP fan fics.

Nothing else to report except there are eighteen days left until the first anniversary of my first suicide attempt.

Dayna

 

“You know everything by knowing that you know nothing.” – Chloe

05/12/05
Lunchtime

So I’ve written about Sam, Neal and Nelly, but Tony’s name has yet to be etched into these pages.

He was my latest and most loving relationship. Unfortunately, it ended on Tuesday (05/09/05) because he figured we’re better off as friends.

Better off, my ass.

I’m in pain still. I know I don’t love him as much as I thought I did, but it’s still painful.

Anyway, Chester Bennington is now single.

Just thought I’d put that in here for future crap.

Cali B.

 

2005 – Poem by Cambria

Today we are an imaginative creature…
The rules of tomorrow do not apply – unless…
we conceive a future that we choose to comply.
The universe shall sway for our purpose in life.
Our love shall never sway from those we feel true to.
Yet, as it will always be – Destiny takes its sweet time.

 

10/18/05
9pm (?)

Yet again, I have lagged with this journal, but whatever.

I’m back in school now, but nothing else has changed.
I still cut, drink ‘n smoke like nobody’s business, plus, I have a job.

I want so badly to cut right now, but I can’t.

 

10/19/05
12:45am

I cut.
Not too badly, but one is deep because I accidently went over it twice.

Anyway, I don’t think I’m gonna go to school tomorrow.

Cali Bennington

 

11/02/05
? am

Fucking sick.

The kid I babysit gave me his cold, so I’m stuffy and my throat hurts.

Tony and I are back together, I guess, but I’m not sure it was a smart move.

We’ll see how far it goes before one of us gets sick of the other.

I wrote 3 songs today. They’re all right for starter shit. I’m sure once I get famous, they’ll get better.

My computer is broken and I don’t know what’s wrong with it.

I’m gonna see how much it’ll cost to get it fixed ‘n stuff though.

I also need to figure out how I’m going to pay Forest back for the dime he fronted me on Friday.

I’m fuckin’ dizzy ‘n tired and I wanna cut.

Maybe I will…

Peaches ‘N creme

Cali

P.S. 20 days until Fort Minor comes out!

 

11/02/05
1:15am

I’m getting ready to smoke the rest of the bud in Elora’s pipe & will scrape it when I’m done—

This resin ball is fuckin’ fatty, dude. I shall smoke it as soon as my hand puts this pen down—

Okay.

Stoned & done designing my dragonfly tattoos.

The hardest part was drawing the motherfucker and getting the designs done.

My handwriting is getting crackheady.

Good night.

Cali

 

11/03/05
10:20am

Okay, so I’m done with my first final, thanks in large park to Roxy and Robyn.
I still have my U.S. History final and my final for Frankenstein to do.

I’m kinda pissed that my Creative Writing final is tomorrow and not today. I wanted to get the book together and take it home.

Whatever, though.

Class doesn’t get out until like, 2:15.

----

All right. Done with my Government final. Just have my Frankenstein one to do and I can go home.

The busses are running for free this wee, so I think I’ll go downtown tonight after work and pick up a pack of razors.

----

Finally, done with the stupid finals. All I have to do now is tomorrow’s stuff.

Creative Writing and Dreams.

Easy enough, right?

Meh.

I want out of here so I can have a cigarette.

 

11/09/05
8:50pm (?)

I cut again today.

I couldn’t help it, you know? I was around Tony from like, 12:00 to 5:00.

I carved the word ‘mistake’ into my arm and then sliced a line under it.

Unfortunately, I cut it in the direction of suicidal intent, so I’m praying nobody sees.

I got new razors Sunday, so I have them at all times and won’t freak out if I don’t.

Bleh, computer is still broken. Need to get a new one.

Maybe I’ll save up my all my cash this week and buy a used one from the Salvation Army or that nasty thrift store in SC.

Cali Bennington

 

11/28/05
? am

I got the Fort Minor CD on Monday of last week, nearly six hours before they were supposed to put it on the shelves, and I can’t stop listening to it.

The entire CD is not what I expected at all and it’s even given me inspiration for my own stuff.

Muahahahaha…

Cali Bennington

 

12/03/05
Not too sure what time it is…

Man, Jose is fuckin’ stupid.

My mom keeps telling him she doesn’t like snow and all he wants is to take us up to Tahoe to some house.

I don’t think so.

I’m not much of a snow person either.

Anyway, I did several tattoo flashes today and yesterday, including 3 new koi designs, a black & gold locket, a heart and razorblade, a tribal and a Linkin Park related one.

They’re pretty good, considering I’m the one that drew them.

Blech. Bored and sober and hating it.

Wish it were time to eat. The turkey smells REALLY fuckin’ good.

Mmmm… Chester Bennington.

Sorry. Random thought.

Peaches!

Cali Bennington

 

12/22/05
12:23am

I fucked my hand up today, so this entry will be short.

Tony and I have decided that ‘friends with benefits’ is the way to go and I’m lovin’ it.

Jeff was at the church today and OMG, I punched a sign and bruised my hand,

Matt and Kevin were going to beat the shit out of him, but Kyrie was in the way.

Oh well.

Next time, he won’t be so lucky.

I’m out. My hand hurts like hell.

Cali Bennington

 

12/22/05
1:39am

Is one-thirty in the morning and I desperately want a shower.
I think I’ll go take one.

(Also, excuse the shitty writing. My hand hurts.)

Cali

 

01/06/06
12:42am

I finally cracked.

After two months of not cutting, I went and slashed up both arms and I can’t say I don’t love it.

This freaking pen is weird.

Anyway, there are 48 new wounds and I feel good.

At least the tension is gone.

I don’t feel the urge to beat the hell out of someone anymore, so that’s good.

Hmm… maybe I’ll draw a little and then go to bed.

Peaches & Creme

Cali Bennington

P.S. So much for friends with benefits. Tony’s dating Barbara and I’m freakin’ PISSED!

 

01/06/06
11:49pm

Ladies and gentlemen, Cali has broken down completely.

Yup.

Back to my old habits.

My left arm is throbbing, but the pain feels so good.

Mmm… wish computer was working and had service on phone. There are a few yummy pics I’d like to upload and post on xXlovemycrimsonXx.

Gonna go to bed now.

Peaches & Creme

Cali Bennington

 

01/08/06
8:58pm

Meh, I feel sick.

I’m thinking it’s coz of the vicodin I took earlier and the coffee, but it’s all good.

Got utterly shitfaced last night.

Drank six beers & a couple of sips of a raspberry Smirnoff thing, plus got hella high.

Erica was supposed to come up today, but she never returned my call.

I’m bummed, but eh.

I have a 40oz that I’m gonna share with Justin and Tahvia in a little while.

My fingernails are getting long as hell, dude. I haven’t chewed them in forever, so that’s good too, I guess.

Well, I’m gonna go write.

Peaches & Creme

Cali Bennington

 

01/09/06
12:05am

I’m buzzed from that beer.
I think I’ll write a little and head to bed.

Peaches & Creme

Cali Bennington

P.S. Fucking hiccups…

 

01/10/06
2:18am

Got drunk off my ass today.

Freaked out at the church too because of Tony and his stupid girlfriend.

I swear to God, he’s gonna make me lose more blood this week than ever.

I keep cutting to make myself feel better, but it’s not working too well.

Meh.

Erica STILL hasn’t called me back.

Oops, there’s blood on the other entry.

Oh well.

Peaches & Kreeme

Cali Bennington

 

01/18/06
2:16am

My arm is freakin’ throbbing.

I spent and hour total (counting last night) just hacking at myself.

I stole the razor from the shower and broke it apart last night and I think I’ll get a few bags full when I get paid this week.

Anyway, parts of my left arm are numb as fuck, which is appropriate seeing as I carved ‘NUMB’ into it for the umpteenth time since I started cutting.

Also cut ‘TAKE MY PAIN’, which didn’t come out as deep as I wanted, but whatever.

I wish I wasn’t suck a pussy about going deep.

I think it’d be cool to have something cut all the way to the muscle so it was a little more permanent.

Then again, that’s what tattoos are for.

(sigh) I should mention my left calf is nice and cut up as well.

I don’t understand why I only tend to cut heavily on my left side.

It probably has something to do with the fact that I’m right handed and junk, but, bleh.

Have just realized that Dwayne will be pissed when he sees my arm.

I must wear a sweatshirt at all times tomorrow, as not to reveal my ‘secret’.

Plus, Mom will flip a bitch as well, so mustn’t take off the sweatshirt until she’s either asleep or not paying attention.

Okay, my handwriting is getting kinda chicken scratchy, plus I’m tired from the cutting and the shower I took.

Blar.

Peaches & Creme

Cali Bennington

 

01/18/06
2:31am

I’m hungry.
Really hungry.
But I’m not allowing myself to eat.
No way.
Maybe I’ll try to sleep.

BAH!
FOOD!

Cali Bennington

P.S. Gotta get a new notebook soon. This one is almost dead. :(

 

01/18/06
11:45pm

Okay, just for fun, I’m putting a profile/questionnaire in here for future ref. and yeah.

Name: Dayna Alexandra Ravanelli
Nickname(s): Cali B, Kitty
Age: 18
Birthdate: 08/09/1987
HT: 5’8
WT: 270
Hair color: Naturally: Brownish blonde, Now: Bleached w/brown and black
Eye color: Brown

Are you…
A cutter: Yep. Have been for 5 years.
A stoner: Ohhh yeahhh…
A good person: Maybe. I don’t know.

Favorites:
Band(s): Linkin Park, Grey Daze, Fort Minor
Movie(s): Moulin Rouge, To Wong Fu: Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert.

Bleh.
I’m stoned. Sorta.
And I’m getting a new pipe on either Friday or Thursday, depending on when I get paid.

Anyway, I’m gonna go do something.
Don’t know exactly what yet, but yeah…

Peaches & Creme

Cali Bennington

 

02/15/06
11:11pm

Bleh.

Just kinda sitting here, contemplating whether I should cut or not.

I WANT to, but I also kinda don’t want to.

Bah.

Cali B.

 

07/22/06
10:51pm

Okay, so there’s this guy Joe that works at Borders and he’s totally hot and everything, but the bastard has a girlfriend.

I can’t believe he didn’t tell me this when I was trying so hard to flirt with him confidently.

My self esteem has been shot to shit and now all I want is to have Tom call me and ask me to sneak out and meet him somewhere.

I’d kill to get laid just so I don’t feel like such a loser.

Also, I’m avoiding this guy Devascius (Chris is his real name) because he wants what I’m not willing to give.

A relationship.

I don’t want one with him. I’d rather peel each of my toenails and fingernails from their beds with needlenose pliers.

I can’t wait for Mom to go to bed. I need to cut so fucking bad.

Anyway, Barbara and I are kinda getting along now, which is really good.

Meh.

Gonna figure out something to do until Ma goes to bed.

Peaches & Creme

Cali Bennington